24: Relationship Themes
Resources and Links
Creative Play Therapy with Adolescents and Adults on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Creative-Play-Therapy-with-Adolescents-and-Adults
The Connected Child on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child
Prologue
Hello again. This is episode 24, and today we are going to talk about relational play themes. Now, my conceptualization of play themes is quite different from others, so you are getting a peek into how my mind works this season. I start with four core needs that we all have because I can remember these four things in sessions while I’m with a client. Those four core needs are Safety and Security, Empowerment and Control, Inner Value, and Relationships. If you want to learn more about these, they are covered in my book with Dr. Melanie Morris called Creative Play Therapy with Adolescents and Adults: Moving from Helping to Healing.
So, I start with the four core needs which gives me a basic understanding of the play themes and helps me categorize them. Some of the play themes could be in more than one core need, depending on what need the client is trying meet. This is the first question I ask myself is… What is the core need? Then I start to look for themes, and honestly, most of that more conceptual work happens outside of the session, usually when I’m working on progress notes or reviewing videos with students. During the session, I want my nose and toes pointed at the client and my full attention in the moment.
Back to relationship needs… We are relational beings. We are born into a family. It doesn’t matter if it is big or small; isolated or extended; through a birth, marriage, or adoption; and healthy or dysfunctional, we all have one. From birth, before we ever talk, we looked into another person’s eyes. Even before that, we listened to the voices and sounds that probably became our families. While I have really appreciated the literature on creating family-like structures around us when needed, and I, personally had several adopted Moms and Dads that weren’t related to me while my own folks were divorcing during my college years, family bonds are extremely important. Even when they are destructive, hurtful, and possibly severed, we need family. That is one kind of relationship.
We also need authentic friendships, and as we move into adulthood, intimate partnerships. Friendships here mean actual friends, not online friends that you don’t have an actual relationship with, but it could include online friends that you do have a relationship with. Themes around unknown friends might point to the inner value core need instead. Of course, no relationship is perfect and conflict-free, but the closer these relationships are to healthy, nurturing, and loving, the less this core need is activated.
Before we go any farther, I want to suggest that before you identify the client’s work as a relationship core need, make sure it isn’t really one of the other core needs. Plenty of things that look like relationship issues are really about Safety and Security, Empowerment and Control, or Inner Value instead. A child might cling to a parent, terrified of being left at preschool, because of a fear of not being safe. A preteen may seek out sexual partners to feel loved and valued. Neither of those are really about the relationship, even though it occurs within the context of another person. For those of you who like attachment theory, that is all about this relationship core need.
So, to summarize, relationship needs include family relationships, friendships with real people, and intimate partnerships. Relationships may mask deeper core needs. And, having relationships is a need, not just a desire. We’ll talk more about relationship needs next time, too.
Now, I want to turn to play themes that you might see in this relationship core need category. Today, we’ll talk about reparation, abandonment, separation, and integration.
Any time there is a significant rupture in a relationship, there is a desire for reparation, a desire for the relationship to be repaired. With children, this might be a longing to meet birth parents, an idealization of an incarcerated parent, or fantasizing about parents getting back together after a separation or divorce. It could be wishing a chaotic sibling would change or maybe grieving the loss of a stepfamily after a second divorce. Sometimes these relationships can be repaired, and sometimes the work here is around recognizing and accepting that loss. That’s reparation.
Next is the play theme of abandonment. Because relationships are so important, when you expect someone to be there for you and they aren’t (or can’t be), you may feel abandoned. This could be a physical leaving, but it could also mean not being emotionally available. Clients who have experienced adoption, been in the foster care system, lost a parent because of divorce, or had the death of a caretaker or friend, could feel abandoned. This one is especially important to understand from the client’s perspective. One client might feel immensely grateful to have been adopted and not feel abandoned at all, while another may feel that feeling of being cast off because a trusted teacher put the client in the lowest reading group. Also, feeling abandoned may not mean that the intent of the other person was to end the relationship.
Separation is the next play theme. This is what it sounds like. It’s a separation, a distancing of the relationship. A client might feel separation through the obvious ways, such as divorcing parents, an incarceration, or moving away from friends. But, a client may show you separation from a hospitalized family member, an at-risk person during the Coronavirus pandemic, or a parent after the birth of a sibling. It could even be something like separation from a family of team members who are practicing while the client sits out with an injury.
The last play theme I want to describe today is Integration. This is combining two things that seemed incompatible or different. It may also include becoming more individualized. So, this could be something like getting married and integrating two extended families through the couple. You might see this theme as an acceptance of the gains and losses, but you might also see the theme as a desire that conflicts sharply with the reality of the in-laws… as an example. I think most experts see this theme as a sign of significant work integrating things like being both good and bad, hurt and healing, survivor, and helping others. I like to view this as the whole process from feeling like two things cannot coexist (like abused and healthy or assaulted and valued) to experiencing that they do.
Within relationship needs, you may see the play themes of reparation, abandonment, separation, and integration. While you think on that for a few minutes, let’s hear what Rachel has been reading.
Rachel’s Book Review
This next book, gosh, it’s hard to know where to start with this one. It’s called The Connected Child, written by Dr. Karen Purvis and Dr. David Cross. I’m not a parent yet, but I think this should be the world’s most recommended parenting book! It’s often advertised as a parenting book for only adoptive parents, but the principles are relevant for all children. The Connected Child provides practical strategies for parents and therapists to help children become healthy — emotionally, behaviorally, and relationally. I want to offer you a few of the strategies they offer that may be helpful for you and your clients and their families.
One of my favorite things the authors teach is what they call “the delicate art of communicating ‘no’”. Parents and therapists alike inevitably experience times they have to say, “no” to a child. For children who struggle with self-regulation, accepting a “no, ”like, “No, I can’t give you a piggyback ride right now,” can be genuinely tough to accept. Dr. Purvis suggests a delivery like this one, “That is really good asking buddy, but this time I’m going to say no because I’m really tired.” This reinforces the respectful way that the child asks the question while also delivering a compassionate “no.” Dr. Purvis suggests that before the child has time to respond (or meltdown) that the parent or therapist swoop in and say something like, “Wow! Great job accepting no! I’m so proud of you!” Dr. Purvis explains that praising and reinforcing his compliance before he’s had the chance to respond or meltdown, gives him the chance to enjoy the positive feedback and develops the ability to comply.
Dr. Purvis also teaches a lot about offering and making compromises as a way of honoring the child’s voice while remaining the compassionate boss and limit-setter. A parent might offer this if the original “no” was met with defiance. Dr. Purvis talks about compromises being made and always followed through on. She gives the following example. Pretend you’ve said something like this to your child. “As a special treat, I’m going to give you money for the ice cream truck again, but don’t ask me tomorrow.” The next day, your child may pester you about it. When you remind him about the compromise you made yesterday, Dr. Purvis talks about the importance of following through with it. Let’s say you cave and do give your child money because you’re a kind and compassionate parent. Even though you might have the purest intentions, Dr. Purvis says, “it makes yourself a liar, erodes trust, and reduces felt safety.”
There are practical and research-based strategies just like these throughout the entire book. Whenever my client’s parents are asking for psychoeducation about managing behavior or dealing with defiance, the first words out of my mouth are always, “Have you heard of the book called The Connected Child?” Time and time again I’ve had parents thank me for recommending this resource.
I want to leave you today with one of my favorite quotes from Dr. Purvis about the importance of compassion, especially when working with traumatized children who may present as “defiant.” “Compassion helps us to have more realistic expectations and understanding that a child isn’t necessarily being willful or belligerent — he is just trying to survive the best he can within his mental limitations and social understanding.”
Conclusion
I’ve got more for you next time on relationship themes, but before I wrap this episode up, I want to talk about some philosophical differences in how we might understand working with clients. I teach in a clinical mental health counseling program, so I come from a strongly individual perspective. You can probably hear that in the podcast. When I caution you to consider if a core need might be one of the other core needs, instead of relationship, I’m coming from that perspective. Some of you may be trained as marriage and family therapists or social workers and have a strong systems or a maybe a community understanding of helping clients. You may be trained in Theraplay or love attachment work and see many things through relationships, including your understanding of how to help clients heal. Isn’t it great that we can look at things through these different perspectives? I am so glad that there isn’t one right answer to how to do this work. I think our clients benefit from having different viewpoints out there.
I guess what I am saying is that I don’t need (or even want) you to completely agree with me. This core needs framework works well for me. It’s my best answer when students ask me how I got there with a client or how I knew what to reflect or ask. It gives me the frame to attach more nuanced themes. If it works for you, great. Otherwise, take what is useful and graft it into your other training and knowledge. We have a growing profession in play therapy, and we don’t all practice it the same way. I think that is a strength.
